Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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