If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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