A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
