My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
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I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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