he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit