she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
