I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
