they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
