I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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