I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
