did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
