when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
i need some magic done to my vagina
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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