I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
