I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Randomize
