I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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