He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Randomize
