Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
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Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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