If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
