I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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