I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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