I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
