it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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