This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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