How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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