I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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