eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
