i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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