Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
