The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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