I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
