Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
