I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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