quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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