Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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