Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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