The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
