I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
