Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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