This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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