i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
