I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
