One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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