I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation