The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
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The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
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Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.