Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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