i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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