There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
