Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
