All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
