the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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