Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
