If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
