i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
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