dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
