I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
